Everyone wants to feel harmony in their lives. To experience more ease and flow, presence and connection, love and joy.
This often goes hand-in-hand with having to make changes at some level.
When we say yes to change, working through what challenges us, seeking growth, we have to be able to hear the things that most don’t want to hear, or have said, or have to say.
This can become a major roadblock as we are somewhat ill-equipped to welcome the ‘call outs’ that are required to know what’s in the way.
Even those who say they want to know, often do sincerely want to know, but when delivered they haven’t learned how to receive it and hold it, so they too can go into reaction.
So you can imagine how this can get in the way of true lasting change, as often it is to have someone name what is in the way that gives us the awareness and access to all the feel-goods we seek.
Without doubt this is one of the greatest barriers to change - not wanting to hear what needs to be said because of how it makes you feel.
You’d know it by the sting you feel, the unavoidable ouch, your body contracts, your mind races, you feel to defend, or justify, or avoid and shut down. Or perhaps you feel overwhelmed with emotion, and you would rather not be seen in this ‘ugliness’, and ‘keep it together’.
Maybe it’s all of the above, maybe one or maybe something else is the indicator to you that you are in reaction - the point is you know when you are in reaction, simply because it doesn’t feel good. Almost everyone feels this to varying degrees.
We have built strategies around not wanting to hear the truth. For some they use aggression, some hide, others blame and complain (only to go around in circles or receive the wrong advice), and some simply feel beaten and powerless and get down on themselves and life.
The reality is, often the reactions keep circulating and eventually they may feel like they have loosened their grip, however the damage may well have been done. As a result we can actually harden to defend against what's been named. Rather than allowing what can be a gift of required healing.
This goes for those who welcome truth too, in fact a lot of the times the people who say ‘yes always call out what is needed…’ find it the hardest to hear. Not because they don't want to hear it, more-so what do we do when we hear it, how do we process it?
We need to get really honest with ourselves… with where we are both giving and receiving pull ups. If we aren't comfortable with receiving, we won't be comfortable with giving, and visa-versa.
What often happens is it falls short, in that we invite it in, or agree to what's being presented (or not) and decide it's too much too late. Imagine you are invited to a restaurant which advertises ‘all you can eat’ to then say after the meal has been consumed, ‘sorry you only get one dish'. You'd feel tricked. This is not dissimilar.
I always say, if you are triggered, reactive, hurt by what someone says, it’s yours (to own), not theirs. And if you are able to hear what someone calls out and hold steady, chances are it’s their stuff, their projection.
And then there are those who can hold steady when the truth is delivered regardless of the response. Those who can feel the sting on delivery and know that is theirs, take responsibility and work with the knowing that the reaction is theirs to own - and not strike out at the other person.
Imagine a world with this level of maturity.
I’ve learned over the many years of seeing therapists and working with mentors how to hold steady, as well how to welcome the pull up, own the stings and then go deeper to heal the wound that is underlying, until it is no longer true.
In fact, if I wasn’t able to deal with pull-ups myself, then I would be a terrible counsellor/mentor.
What most perhaps don’t fully understand, as I know I didn’t for the longest time, is a pull up or what you could call being ‘called out’, is actually an act of love.
Of course, it could well be an act of cruelty, albeit in these occasions it shines the light on where we need to heal.
Why - as the day we no longer react, we are free.
Dare I say those who trigger us teach us where in ourselves we are not fully claimed?!
I can hear the argument that certain behaviours need a reaction - and I don’t disagree, well to a point. As often, when we read the situation and discern the willingness of the person we are pulling up, they may not be able to hear it. Therefore, if we have any form of attachment to a certain outcome, or changing the behaviour, we are only going to add fuel to the fire.
A non-reactive pull-up is so much more powerful. A response that is from a solid place that simply holds true that the behaviour is not ok. With no attachment to the outcome.
This is where we create healthy boundaries, set from the tone of love, as love wouldn’t let someone abuse you. Love wouldn’t allow certain behaviours, but not from a fighting position, from a place that simply is no longer impacted by absorbing the reaction.
So in this way, it’s not necessarily that we have to literally pull someone up by addressing the behaviour, we can simply not react, which diminishes the intended impact of the words and actions.
The quote that always sums this up brilliantly:
It’s 10% of what happens to us, and 90% of how we choose to respond.
Our responses are everything.
I often say, if there was one goal in life that would guarantee your growth game is strong it’s this - to learn not to react.
As when we are non-reactive we bring forth an unwavering presence of truth, bound by love. And not a fluffy kind of love, a powerful force that says no to what is not ok - spoken or unspoken.
If we don’t learn to be pulled up or called out, if we protect, dodge and hide - nothing will change.
If it is a loving call out, it may well still sting, if it is in fact true. That’s the power of love, to stamp out what doesn’t belong.
If it is a call out from intending harm, it’s an opportunity to see how the force of harm triggers us, to see where we let it in, and to heal and reclaim our unshakeable foundation.
So you see, call outs teach us. And if we are courageous enough they illuminate the path of what’s next for our own evolution to continue to learn, grow, and evolve. To bring our all.
This isn’t about toughening up - far from it!
This is about melting the armour, choosing our healing, and reclaiming our personal power. It’s about being willing to be seen in our vulnerability, our rawness and knowing what’s in the way so we can move it out of the way.
As when we do, not only are our lives enriched, we are also illuminating the way for others. That’s how true lasting change happens, by being the change.
If only this was taught in school...
Know it's never too late to learn.
(aka Miss Behaviour)
Let’s talk pull ups. Firstly, what are they?
If a behaviour doesn’t align to meet what is required; be it openness, kindness, loving, respectful, collaborate, spacious, honouring etc, or if it’s hurtful or unnecessary… do we let that behaviour continue, or do we pull up that behaviour (person)?
A pull up is simply to say, ‘that’s not ok’ and ‘there’s a better way’.
As we reclaim our own worthiness we will often have to introduce pull-ups in our expression. As we change, we have to re-introduce ourselves, and sometimes that means we have to teach people how to treat us.
Like anything we do for the first time it’s always a bit uncomfortable, even messy. But if we do nothing, nothing changes.
A pull-up isn’t about making the other person wrong, being righteous, and certainly not bound by emotional charge, as believe me that will only cause a further shit show!
Learning to address behaviours that aren’t ok takes time, it’s about our willingness to embrace our imperfection and dealing with any consequences that may result from not quite having the know-how to manage the (word) slip ups, mishaps or misunderstandings.
With that said one of the biggest obstacles for getting into these types of conversations is how it makes them feel, even in just thinking about doing it. So many people are more fearful in tabling what’s not working, more-so than address the person for fear of becoming immersed in the uncomfortable murky waters.
The knock-on effect where we don’t introduce change is the behaviours we don’t call out continue, as the other person is left to believe they haven’t done anything wrong... or that there’s no call for a change in behaviour so in some cases the behaviour becomes even more embedded. Something left unsaid for a long time when finally addressed is often bound by full resistance and denial.
And so too the resentment that remains unresolved turns very quickly into toxicity. By that I mean it becomes something that is over-talked with others, fuelled by drama, impacting stress levels, creating even more bad behaviours, wanting to escape, feed addictions and in so doing disconnecting from our innate joy, in inner-harmony.
There’s a distinction worth mentioning… and that is NOT everything that fits undesired behaviour needs to be pulled up. In some cases, we simply walk away, or hold steady in our own lane, or as the saying goes see it for what it is, ‘water off a duck’s back’.
However, if it is something that doesn’t fit our standards, our level of love and respect, our way of being in the world, then we may find it’s necessary. This is where the art of discernment comes into play.
To add, if we are being triggered by these behaviours, first is to understand where in ourselves is this being activated, and what healing do we need to bring to ourselves so that the behaviour doesn’t impact at all. Then address the behaviour from a rock solid place. That’s where we are most effective in The Art of Pull-up’s.
There’s so much we can bring to this…
There’s so much we can continually apply to improve our daily lives; new learning, growth and deepening our personal evolution. It’s endless. And it starts by wanting to change.
Pull-ups help us all to evolve. of course there has to be a desire to change. If there is, let's help each other shine.
If only this was taught at school....or at home, or at work.
Know it's never to late to learn.
We all get stuck in our ways, ways that we’ve been told, sold and brought into. And then, just like driving a car, we just keep on driving without really having to be conscious of the drive, we just do it in what’s known an unconscious competence level; in other words, we don’t think about it, we just do it.
We live everyday life imbrued by a few of these similar types of habits. Certain paradigms of thought and beliefs that we have assumed are now embedded in our behaviours, and yet they are not necessarily of conscious choice and awareness. Nor evolutionary in content.
We are so much more than what we do on a rinse and repeat cycle... we are powerhouse creators with endless possibilities and opportunity to live a truly enriching and purpose-filled life.
One such paradigm that needs an over hall is this old chestnut - we all have our ‘good days and bad days’.
If I had a dollar for every time a client, friend or colleague says, “this should be taught at school”, I would be quite wealthy. Learning life-skills has long been overlooked; importance is placed on ‘subjects’ that are rarely used after school life. And yet, to thrive in the world, we NEED to develop life skills - they are the essential navigation tools for meeting all that life throws at us.
We are students for life. It’s never too late to learn. There are so many amazing lessons, insights and new perspectives to be had. They can change the way we experience life and everyday events.
We need to abolish the myth that when we become adults we stop learning… as we never stop learning. We came here to evolve, and to do this we must embrace paths of learning and growth. Scott Horton sums it up perfectly:
We are all imitating someone.
For me in my younger years it was actresses, the cool kids at school and on tv. Then it become my colleagues who were successful, followed with speakers and presenters.
I would study them and then go about reproducing their qualities, style, demeanour and behaviours. When I look back it was largely how I shaped my personality. If I liked something I would add it to my repertoire.
I created a laser focus for what was liked, celebrated and revered… I was a collector - adding qualities as I would go.
And I was really good at it. But at what cost?